Behind the Lens
Words & Photography by Karen Hilmersson
Self-portrait taken in Kim Klassen’s studio in Canada
Growing up, I thought I wasn’t creative. I didn’t draw well, I believed I had no imagination, and always envied my friends who grew up in creative families with their sense of style, confident way of dressing, and their artistic talents… By contrast, my family were considered to be intellectuals, and I was meant to be one too.
The downside of being educated in French schools is that the system expects you to either succeed or fail. There is no middle ground. You are either a maths genius or not—there is not much in between. However, growing up in Paris did have its perks which I am still grateful for today. In Paris, culture consumption had no end. We went to the movies all the time, and to plays, museums, concerts, operas, and random exhibitions throughout the city. This attraction to cultural activities followed me all through high school, and even when I left Paris to live in Switzerland, or to study in Lyon, the Netherlands and Scotland, I never stopped getting inspired and finding escapism and beauty in the arts and culture around me. I worked for three years at the Lyon Opera whilst studying there, went to the theatre festival in Edinburgh, spent days in FOAM, the photography museum in Amsterdam. I have always been a big fan of art history and secretly wanted to study it but went for law instead—the more financially secure, intellectually sound choice…
When I found my first job and settled in Brussels, I felt something was missing in my life. I had an exciting job, lots of friends from all over Europe, a great social life, went to nice restaurants, did lots of travelling… but it was clear I needed something different. There was a hole that wasn’t being filled. I began a thorough search for my creativity, diving into everything that always interested me in cultural and creative fields (which didn’t involve me drawing!) and came up with the idea of taking a photography class. I always took pictures and loved photography more than anything else. It also seemed less daunting than making something… which I didn’t think I was able to do or would be any good at.
My father always documented everything; we had loads of photo albums at home and some super 8 films, so I had always had a camera at hand since I was little, but never thought of doing anything more than just ‘documenting’ too. In that class I took, we would take film photographs that required themes, were taught the history of photography (not so much the technical side of the camera at that time though) and we even did a quick studio workshop… I didn’t have any confidence in what I was doing, and wasn't encouraged in my art at the time in any way, but I loved it so much! It was the beginning of my photographer’s journey, but I had to cut it short when I got pregnant because the products for developing film weren’t safe… and then life with kids happened and I was sucked into that, so I never went back to that class.
However, having kids was by no means the downfall of my creative and photographic journey. They made me want to try anything and everything, because I wanted them to have all the choices in the world and grow up in a creative home, knowing all about a creative mind (even though I still thought of myself as not creative). I picked up sewing, knitting, cooking, paid attention to my home decor, and tried to create a sense of style around them. They were also the reason why I picked up a camera again… probably as a documentary tool at first, just like my father, but then with the desire to take better and better photos. One day, we hired a photographer for a pregnancy shoot and then a family shoot… I fell so in love with her bright and colourful pictures, but was especially enamoured by her way of storytelling and capturing little details that make every picture just a little more special.
Fast forward a few years and I got a new camera for my birthday… and then there was Instagram. I had been a long-time stalker with a private account, but then I decided to go public and… nothing happened! I don’t know what exactly I was expecting… perhaps that a community would create itself just because my account was public? Or that someone would immediately recognise my efforts in doing better photography? Well, you guessed it, it didn’t happen…
However, once I decided to do Sara Tasker’s class (@meandorla), the first one she released many moons ago, a lot changed for me. I would say it was the first step of my creative journey as such. Not only did it spark a creative community that I never imagined would be possible (I was still surrounded mostly by lawyers, politicians, and the like), but she also made me understand what it means to be creative, made me dig and realise all that I had been pushing down in myself in that regard and, last but not least, she made me call myself a photographer. I didn’t believe it at first when I put it in my bio, but it slowly yet surely became a reality in my head too. Even though I still thought I didn’t have the talent, or that I wasn’t a “real photographer” (it was hard to go against my very French nature), I was discovering a new side of myself and I loved it…
This is what pushed me to decide to move the whole family to Sweden for a year. To be able to take a break from my day job and push my creative boundaries; my photography was a dream come true. I registered for an online photography school in Switzerland, and other small courses online. I also did Xanthe Berkeley’s video class, and I documented all our Swedish weekends in videos. I developed a lot of skills and tried to refine my style that year, taking the time to think about what kind of photographer I would want to become. I also got my first opportunities to work with some small brands and makers, which felt amazing. Every single little opportunity was filling me with such joys, from meeting new photographers and brand owners to receiving a free sample of kids' clothes or a beautifully designed lamp to photograph. I was so grateful and started to feel that all of that creativity in me was making me feel happy and complete.
That year spent in Sweden also marked the beginning of my discovery that nature was one of my main sources of inspiration. The pure city girl I thought I was, born and bred in Paris, couldn’t stop enjoying living by the sea, the lakes, and the forests. Being so close to nature gave me a new outlook on life and another boost for my photography. I was also lucky to experience the amazing Northern Lights… I’m a true believer that photographs aren’t the same if taken in Australia, Sweden, or Belgium; the light is so different in all these places, and light is everything in photography. I experienced so much that year, giving me a chance to know what I love most in that area too—window light, pockets of light, a moody feel.
Aside from the weekly videos, I also started a portrait project of my children. That year I took 52 portraits of the kids, which was then followed by the #12portraitsproject that I still do to this day. I believe that personal projects are so important to grow. Practising, practising, practising… and personal projects, are the best ways to improve. I began to realise something—the fact that I get ideas and images growing in my head like daisies in the spring when I’m onto a theme, and that sometimes I also have a lack thereof, meant that I understood I was creative (and that I had creative blocks or droughts sometimes too). A lightbulb moment!
I could go on and on about the last few years of embracing and developing myself, my creative side, and my photography, but I would just point out one important event. I went to a workshop in Greece organised by Flore Vallery Radot (@flore_vallery_radot) in Greece in 2018. This was also pivotal in my life path. Not only did I meet amazing people and have a fantastic experience (I always highly recommend workshops whenever it will be possible to do them again), but I also had for the first time a true sense of belonging. Meeting all these extraordinary creative women in that beautiful setting gave me the sense of community I was craving… a bit like on Instagram but in real life, and luckily for me it continued online (as I didn’t have a big community of creatives in real life around me).
I will always continue to grow in creative matters; I’m still improving, evolving, and nurturing my style and my purpose. Right now, I’m finding it very satisfying when my portrait or landscape photos have a painting feel or a vintage touch, and when my fashion photography is tinged with a clair-obscur (chiaroscuro) that embraces my colours. My children, who were once a break in my quest and path to creativity, are today an amazing source of inspiration for me. Nature also remains a big part of my inspiration, even though I live in a city and the pandemic has put a cap on my thirst for travel.
If anyone would ever want a piece of advice (and I don’t know that they would!), I would say, more than anything, that practising is key. Taking a camera everywhere, all the time, trying out a lot of anything you like. I used to think that I should find a niche, my unique touch… and that loving too many different things wasn’t the way to go, but in fact that, as well as changing and evolving, is part of who I am and what makes me and my style. Oh, and if you ever can, participate in a real-life workshop; it is life-changing. A personal project is also an amazing way to grow. I recently offered the opportunity to exchange skills and creations for my photography, and I met amazing makers and creators along the way. One thing I know for sure today is that I will never be able to live without creativity and photography. It is what makes me happy and fulfilled. Here is to many more discoveries, evolutions, passions and wonderfully human discoveries.
